Tied Up & Blindfolded

Q. My boyfriend wants to tie me up and blindfold me but isn’t that kinky? ~Jen B.

A. Sure some consider this to be kinky, but what’s wrong with kinky?  My theory is if you enjoy it and no one is being forced into anything they don’t want to do, then go for it.  There are a lot of things that people consider kinky until they try them and realize it was more the fear of the unknown.  If you do some research, you’ll learn that being tied up and blindfolded by your partner is mild on the BDSM continuum.  The most important factor is that you and your partner have developed a level of trust where you feel comfortable giving up some control.  Without trust, you are not likely to have a pleasurable experience.  If my partner wouldn’t let me do the same thing to him, I would give some hesitation before saying yes.

So with that said, there are fantastic reasons to play with restraints and blindfolds.  First off, when you are restricted from using your body, all focus becomes about your pleasure in the moment.  It puts you in a position to simply receive whatever your partner offers.  This can be playful tickling with a feather, a sensual massage, a naughty little spanking, or oral pleasure from head to toe.  When one gives up control and can relax into the experience, pleasure becomes more of a full body experience.

Using a blindfold in lovemaking play involves a high level of  trust.  By removing the sense of sight, the sensitivity of your other senses, smell, taste, touch, and hearing, will increase and become more acute.  When you aren’t able to see what will happen next, your anticipation increases and as you begin to use those other senses, your sensitivity and the pleasure you receive becomes amplified.  Touch especially will become much more errogenous.  How fun is that!  Another benefit with any type of play where you let go of control is it can strengthen your relationship and deepen both intimacy and trust between you and  your partner.  What an amazing gift to give yourself.

Before you begin, create a safe word with your partner that either of you can say to stop the play activity.  The word means everyone has to stop what they are doing.  This is a general rule with BDSM activities because sometimes in role playing and fantasy, participants may be acting out, resisting a partner.  The fantasy acting can include words like NO and Stop, which is why it is important to make the safe word something out of the ordinary and non-sexual.  Words like blueberry, car, or green are easy safe words.  They may sound silly now, but will be very clear in the moment if anyone is feeling uncomfortable about anything and wants to stop.

What do you use to tie each other up?  Use your imagination. Do you have any nylons or stockings? Does he have any business ties? Pick up yourself  some fun furry cuffs and satin blindfolds. Consider getting yourself some playful accessories and attire to make your partner squirm and squeal with delight.  In our online shop, you will find tickling feathers, delicious smelling massage products and even tasty body toppings to wet your appetite.

Finally, start slow.  Take it in steps.  Start with tying only one hand and do so loosly where you can get out if you want to.  From there, decide if you want to be more restricted with tighter ties or try other body parts tied-up.  You can negotiate and discuss boundaries and fantasies, and once you trust that your partner won’t do anything you aren’t up for, the  possibilities are unlimited!

Shop at The Goddess Boutique for all your frisky fun needs. 

xoxo

Angela, The Goddess Next Door

Is Back Door Play Right For You?

Q: My Boyfriend Wants Anal Sex, But I’m Scared. Should I do it?

~ Not So Sure, Vancouver WA

A: Here are some things to consider when trying anal sex for the first time: (1) about 30-40% of all heterosexual couples in this country have tried anal intercourse, (2) over 90% of men fantasize about having anal sex with their partner, and (3) both men and women when penetrated anally can experience a great deal of pleasure. You can find new ways to stimulate the G Spot and he can receive enjoyable prostate stimulation.

To increase your comfort level, you may ask that your partner try penetration first. This will even out the playing field. Many men are intimidated by the idea of being penetrated anally. They do not want to be considered “gay” if they participate in or enjoy anal penetration. Understand and explain that the anus is filled with multiple nerve receptors; so many men and women find this type of stimulation pleasurable. You might find that once you ask him to “go first”, he may no longer request it from you. Or he may choose to try it and find it to be a very pleasurable experience. He will also better understand the importance of going slow, being gentle and being respectful.

Before diving into this adventure, here are a few precautions. It is important for you and your partner to communicate before and during anal stimulation or penetration of any kind. One of the keys is to be prepared and relaxed. This can be integrated into foreplay with a candlelight bath, full body massage, or anything else you find relaxing. If you are concerned about cleanliness, it is recommended to ‘go’ about an hour or so prior to anal play.

The rectum does not produce its own natural lubrication, making it very important to use a good quality lubricant to protect the delicate membranes. Two options that are latex compatible are water-based and silicone lubes. Both will help ease penetration. The silicone, in particular, will remain slippery for a very long time. In fact, if you choose to try anal penetration in the shower, you will find the silicone lube will stay put for the duration and will become even more slippery. A basic rule regarding lubrication for anal sex is “use a lot, and then some!” Not only does extra lubrication make anal activity much more pleasurable, it also protects the body from potential infection.

Prior to your partner attempting to penetrate you with his penis, you may wish to start out with a smaller, tapered toy. Our wide selection of anal toys offers many sizes and materials to try. Pushing slightly or bearing down helps with penetration because when you release the muscles your body draws the penis or toy in. This is why it is important to always use a toy with a flared base. The rectum has two sphincters that will pull items into the body, potentially trapping the toy inside. Last but not least, never put something that has been in the anus into the vagina. This can cause an infection.

To help relax you while easing penetration try having your partner stimulate your clitoris. You can experience extra-intense orgasm when receiving both anal and clitoral stimulation simultaneously. A lubricated finger can be used to stimulate the anus prior to penetration. Finger exploration can be very stimulating on its own, whether or not penetration occurs. Always make sure nails are trimmed and hands are clean.

Anal penetration should not be painful. There have been some products designed to desensitize the outside tissue. If there is pain you may be causing some tissue damage, which is to be avoided. That is why I personally do not recommend using a desensitizer. Also avoid consuming large quantities of alcohol. It is important that both you and your partner stay in control at all times, to make sure it’s a pleasurable experience. Sure, alcohol can help soothe feeling embarrassed or vulnerable, but it is a central nervous system depressant, which slows reaction time and can impair judgment.

Bottom line: do it because you want to. Anal sex can be extremely pleasurable as long as you go SLOW! Don’t let your partner pressure or guilt you into doing something you are not comfortable with. You may or may not enjoy it; however, you won’t know unless you willfully try.

xoxo

Angela, The Goddess Next Door

Cock Rings – Yes or No?

Q: How do you use a cock ring? Should my boyfriend use one? ~Ring around Roger, New York, New York

A: The penis is composed of three cylinders of spongy tissue surrounded by a thick membrane sheath. When a man becomes aroused, blood begins to flow into this tissue making it more firm thus, creating an erection. As arousal increases, more blood gets pumped into the tissue and the stronger the erection becomes. Once the penis is engorged, the blood may begin to leak back out of the penis and return into the body. As men age, this process can happen more quickly making it difficult to maintain an erection.

A cock ring is a ring designed to fit around a man’s penis and/or testicles. The ring prevents blood from leaving the penis, through restriction. Imagine what happens when you put a rubber band around your finger. As your finger fills with blood, it becomes more plump and tight. The restriction from a cock ring creates a similar effect giving the sense of a harder erection, a thicker penis, and a stronger orgasm. The restriction helps him delay ejaculation, remaining hard for an extended period of time and creating a longer sexual experience for both of you.

Men most commonly use cock rings when they have a difficult time maintaining an erection or when they feel they reach orgasm too quickly. That being said, their use is becoming more popular by men who want to have more intense orgasms, want to achieve multiple orgasms or simply want to last longer. Most men are unaware, but they can learn to control ejaculation with their PC muscles leading to the ability to achieve multiple orgasms. A cock ring can assist in learning this skill. Many men enjoy the benefit of prolonged playtime with their partner or when playing alone.

You can find cock rings made of many types of materials including: jelly, silicone, leather and metal. There are many varieties suitable for anyone’s preference. You can find cock rings with snaps for easy release, multiple rings with various configurations, vibrators for extra stimulation and more.

Basic cock rings are great for those who want to test the waters. These are generally one time use items and can be purchased very reasonably. If you and your partner are ready to try something more functional, I would recommend using one with vibration. Look for one made from very soft, high quality material – this way it won’t get in the way during intercourse. The vibrator is designed to stimulate the woman’s clitoris and comes from a small vibrator at the top of the ring. This provides hands-free stimulation for you, helping you achieve an orgasm more quickly and easily. Once he has started to become erect, the cock ring can be placed at the base of the penis. It can become more of a wrestling match if you wait until he’s fully engorged and the sensations he experiences won’t be as intense. Just have some fun while experimenting during this discovery process.

Some cock rings are made of a material with very little give to them. These are generally used only at the base of the penis. They can be a bit more challenging to use, although will give maximum restriction to the penis.

The larger, stretchier rings, as well as the cock rings that have two separate rings are designed to go around both the penis and testicles. This type can work more effectively for prolonging orgasm because the testicles are kept away from the body. Right before a man reaches orgasm the testicles lift up towards his body. It takes more work for ejaculation to occur because the testicles are not allowed to lift. This is why it can be effective to gently pull down on his scrotum, but a cock ring will do the work for you!

A few important tips, a cock ring should not be used more than approximately 20 minutes otherwise it can cause tissue damage. The blood needs to be reoxygenated by returning to the lungs. For an extended play session, you can remove it and put it back on once he gets a breather. I suggest you do not attempt to use a metal cock ring, unless you or your partner is an experienced user. In a situation where your partner does not lose his erection after an hour or his penis doesn’t get soft enough to remove the cock ring, don’t panic. Pull out the lube, get him good and slippery and try coaxing it off. If that doesn’t work, go get some ice, this will usually do the trick. Ice him up real good and he should deflate in no time.  Are you ready to try a new cock ring? You can shop at The Goddess Boutique where I’ve hand selected some great ones. If you are looking for something specific you don’t see at the boutique or would like a recommendation? Email me and I can recommend one for you.

xoxo

Angela, The Goddess Next Door

Trouble Achieving an Orgasm With Your Partner?

Q:  Why is it so Difficult to Achieve an Orgasm With a Partner? ~Ohhh Not Again in Portland, OR

A: This is a great question! I don’t know specifics about you or your partner, so I will answer this question with some general issues by age. Because these are generalizations you will likely find useful information through out the article.

20’s:

This is a time of exploration. Many of us start to learn about our own sexuality and how our body responds to different types of stimulation. It’s common to feel unsure about what you’ll enjoy; to feel inhibited, or to lack confidence in your abilities to please a partner. Here are some other things to consider. If you are using a hormone type of birth control, ask your doctor how it may affect your desire and arousal. Premature ejaculation (PE) in a male partner may also make it difficult for a woman to achieve an orgasm. Many factors can cause PE and can affect a man at any age. More about that in a moment.

When with a partner, it can be difficult to share how you’d like to be stimulated or whether you’d like to use a toy. Educate yourself and explore! Locate your G-spot and learn how to pleasure yourself both clitoral and vaginally. There are many wonderful books available. ToyGasms and Tickle Your Fancy by Sadie Allison are fun and informative books to read. Another great book to add to your collection is The Guide to Getting It On, 6th Edition. If your partner struggles with PE, a cock ring is a wonderful addition. Cock rings not only help delay him, it can also help him achieve a stronger orgasm. The best of both worlds. Many men who don’t deal with PE enjoy cock rings for this reason.

Start practicing your sexy pillow talk and let your partner know what feels good. We can all use a road map. Make every journey a new adventure, and have fun with it! Moans and Mmms are a great way to start your partner down the right path. Continue with your body language and guide your lover with your hands. Work up to talking dirty, suggesting your ideas for pleasure. Finish off with the finale of your choice.

30’s:

For many, we are developing our careers, working long hours, and taking care of a family. We are creating, building, and achieving. Our sex life may have the tendency to take a backseat because we are “too busy” or “not in the mood”. Does this sound familiar? Are your thoughts and mind chatter getting in the way of you reaching an orgasm? If so, keep reading. If you have had children, childbirth can decrease the tone and sensitivity during intercourse. Get out those Ben Wa balls and tone your way to multiple orgasms!

The Shunga Secret Garden is a must have product. It will help with relaxation and will help get your mind refocused onto your play activities. Creating a sensual, relaxing environment is key for the bedroom. Keep any work or mind stimulating material out of this space. Remove the TV, computer, and books other then erotica. Bring in some soft, sensual fabrics, candles, soothing music and the Silky Sheets spray to enhance the mood! For some inspiring ideas check out Goddess at Home: Divine Interiors. Make sure to create the space and time to get enough foreplay. Sometimes we expect our bodies to respond faster then biologically possible. Identify what your needs are and go ahead and give that to yourself. It’s important to listen to your body and honor it.

40’s:

Are you now an empty nester? Take this time to reestablish your self identity. You are in a different stage in your life, your desires and wants may have changed. You may have questions arise about your relationship. Arguments, divorce, and feeling disconnected from yourself can cause for difficulty in achieving an orgasm. You can either embrace the change and see the limitless possibilities or you can limit yourself and get stuck in the fear of change. You get to decide.

Work on improving your communication both inside and outside of the bedroom. Reacquaint yourself with your partner and reassess your relationship wants and needs. Do you want a little spice; give yourself permission to try something new! Consider if you are getting enough clitoral stimulation during penetration. Research shows 85% of women need clitoral stimulation during intercourse to achieve an orgasm.

50’s:

Peri/Post Menopause time. Intercourse may be painful, lubrication, desire and arousal may have decreased. Biologically the vaginal membranes are thinning, possibly making intercourse very painful, and feeling rough like sandpaper. Having painful intercourse with a partner is going to create a negative cycle and the body will learn to pair intercourse with pain. Sex drive will decrease as a result. Hormonal shifts can also decrease lubrication, sensitivity and how the body responds to stimulation.

Check any medications both over the counter and prescription. Cold medications can cause a decrease in personal lubrication and other medications can inhibit the desire, arousal, or orgasm. Lube, lube and even more lube is key! The Jo Water based lube for Women is absolutely wonderful. A good quality lubricant is important at every age; however it is vital to use to protect the delicate tissue as a woman’s body changes both Peri- and Post-Menopausally.

60’s+:

Possible death of long-term partner, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation and low desire are some of the causes of orgasm difficulty. We come full circle and again a cock ring is great for penile support. If you are choosing to remain single, stock up your toy box! A healthy sex life is an important aspect to having a healthy life. Not only is sex a form of exercise, it also helps to maintain muscular tone preventing a weak bladder, as well as help release stress and tension.

So keep doing those Kegel exercises and get your juices flowing. Try out a few of these suggestions and check back next month.  Go shopping now at The Goddess Boutique to find everything you need to stimulate those orgasms!

xoxo

Angela, The Goddess Next Door

Where is The G-Spot? Does it Really Exist?

Q: I Keep Hearing About the G-Spot. Does it Really Exist?

~G-Spot or Not in Vancouver, WA

A: Yes it does! If you have never found yours, it’s time to go hunting. We have some fantastic products for your excursion and I will tell you about those in a minute.

First, let me tell you where it is. It is approximately one-and-a half to two inches inside the vaginal wall on the abdominal side. It can be difficult to find if you are not already at least somewhat aroused. This is where the Liquid V can work wonders. You or your partner can apply it to the front vaginal wall and wait for the L-Arginine to bring the blood in. The tissue will fill with blood and become more sensitive and stimulated to touch. Once the tissue starts puffing you will be able to feel a difference in the texture, somewhat ridged or rough. Also, as it’s stimulated it may give you the sensation of having to go pee.

The G-Spot typically loves slow, deep pressure. Imagine if you were calling your lover over with your index finger, saying come here naughty boy/girl. The glass dildos are amazing to give that same type of firm pressure to your magical spot.

It is also sometimes helpful to add clitoral stimulation with a bullet, while still focusing on the different sensations as the glass dildo glides along the G-Spot. A clear fluid may be ejaculated at the moment of orgasm. It is a liquid that is chemically similar to male ejaculate but contains no sperm. Eureka! You may have just struck gold!  To shop for Liquid V or a new toy to hit the spot, follow me this way!

xoxo

Angela, The Goddess Next Door